I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
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Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
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I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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