Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The feeling are messing with the penis
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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