mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
You ever have a fart follow you around?
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