Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
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you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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