you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
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