i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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