he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
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I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
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I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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