there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
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I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
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You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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