I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Two words: blizzard sex
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize