Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
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he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
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And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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