I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
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Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
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I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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