We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
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Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
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I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
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