i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
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The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
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When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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