standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
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Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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