My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
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he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
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thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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