I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
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Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
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And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
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