She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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