He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
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Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
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Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
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