if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
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It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
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Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
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