Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
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You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
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