I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
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my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
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When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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