If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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