I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
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