My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
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