i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
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when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
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I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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