Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
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After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
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Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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