It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
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Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
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When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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