dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
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There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
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She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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