dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
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I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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