My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
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I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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