tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I supernannyed him into submission
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
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