Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
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