at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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