I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
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I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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