no, he came in my armpit
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
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