I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
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He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
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You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
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