and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
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Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
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