Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
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he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
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You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
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