lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize