At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
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smell my finger.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
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