OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
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I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
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You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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