Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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