My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
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He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
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Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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