I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
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Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
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Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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