her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
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you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
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We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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