sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
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The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
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You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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