But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
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I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
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I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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