the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
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I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
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its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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