dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
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we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
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Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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