You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
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he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
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I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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